Here we go again,
Welcome to the story of my life.
The story begins around March 2020. Things got so weird where this super virus called Covid-19 hit my country. I'm not gonna tell you what this virus is all about, but since then, it's been a very tough life for everyone, for me.
I had plans, not many, just few ones. I believe it wasn't the ambitious plans, just some plans to live a good life. Who doesn't want one, right? So, I made one, until I lost the control for my own life.
Long story short, I decided to quit from my job to get that control back again and besides, the job is a big no good for me at that moment. So, I was just about tidying some files of my life, trying to start fresh, but only in few days... it failed.
I thought my previous job was the only thing that stopped my plans back then, until I found out the truth. This very ugly truth which showed me that my life was never be a normal one like I've always thought. For the damn 24 years, I didn't know the reality of my life.
Well, if you ask me what went wrong, it's like every single thing went really wrong within a really fancy looking cadillac. Unfortunately, it had no alarm, so there's no way I could notice the anomaly.
To make it simpler, my life was manipulated in the most unexpected ways. No wonder that I've been feeling stuck, no matter how hard I tried to move forward. I wasn't even on the right track. I'm lost.
So, here I am, trying to get back on the right road (without having any right map). I just don't know which right anymore after knowing my life has been so screwed up from so many long time.
Every rotten thing that became a part of my life has finally exploded and that stinks. It finally shows the ugliness of what's been hiding.
The Story
I didn't grow up in a normal environment nor a harmonized family which I've thought I was, and funny enough, I might not that good student with that good grades for the 16 years of my studies. (For God's sake), I just tried to do what I thought could bring myself to the right things in life, but instead I built nothing for so many years.
I am now no one and I'm afraid to know who I really am.
To give you a little bit of insight, I'll tell you what I felt for the whole years. Well, I always feel not so normal, not like those average people surround me. I just figuring things out by studying at some of the nice schools and university. I got no directions from my family about life when I was young. It's just I realized that I want different things, different life, different goals, and almost different everything than what my family wants. It feels like I don't belong to my own family, and being a-24-year-old woman who has a mid-life crisis only makes everything that I have on my mind so strange.
I don't know if I grew up with the right values as I assumed most children will follow their parents' principles or where their role models are someone in the family, but I have none. I always think that what my parents did are somehow wrong and I don't want to have a life like them. I could say that I'm having this principle to live such a morally good life when my parents are having the opposite. I always go with honesty and integrity where they don't really into that. For some reasons, I believe that one of the things which makes them dysfunctional as a couple, a parents, or as any role they're supposed to be in the family. Those kinda bad behaviours brought so much troubles in the family and surprise! I just realized that after all these years.
I'm not saying that I'm a very nice person or a very idealistic human being, but I just want to ride on the right roads rather than the wrong ones. I don't wanna cheat on life. That's it. A simple good life.
Ok, now let's go back to the main topic of this blog post where my point of telling you that not-so-short-story of my family background is to explain why I thought I wasn't who I really was.
Since then I've always thought everything was normal and I was supposed to just live a good life, right? So, I did and (damn) I got stuck.
I Stuck
The story of this part begins where I thought I already did right on my studies and built a nice life portfolio, but I got nowhere.
First, I noticed this strange feeling when I decided to go for humanities degree instead of social degree that I've always been wanted. I shouldn't blame on anyone for my decision, but one of my parents directed me in certain way, so I thought I could reduce their financial burden by getting into public university. That's the first time I realized that I was just playing safe for the good of all, since I thought it was the right decision.
Later, when I was finally in for the studies, it brought to my second realization where I realized I was in the wrong path, but I just kept going as I didn't want to burden anyone. I did it in 4 years with a lot of blood and tears, hoping I could finally do what I've been dreaming of after this chapter.
Little did I know, my 4 years of studies didn't really help me to achieve my career. It's getting worse since then. I thought I helped my family by taking some burdens from their shoulders, but I ended up sacrificing my life. I had to work thrice to ten times harder to keep up with what I want for my career, but my family somehow gets in my way, only makes thing harder.
The dysfunctionality in their relationship and in the family for more than 20 years has tripped over me at the most crucial times of my life when I was about to build my career and my life.
I Stumble
This part is when I'm not so sure anymore of who I really am. I've been holding on to my values and my principles along the way and thinking that I might be right, but turned out my reality back then wasn't really a reality.
This super messed up situation is my reality now. I doubt my values, my beliefs, my principles, and my everything as if it wasn't right anymore. I try to hold on and put the part of myself back on the track, but I don't know which one is the right track. It's like a broken puzzle where all the pieces are there and not a single one is missing, but I can't put it back to where it belongs because it was never supposed to be there at the first place.
Everything gets blurrier each day, especially in this middle of the pandemic. I don't know where to go and what to do, except filling in myself with all the good positive things that I could find on the internet. From positive quotes, meditation routines, yoga sequences, to some online courses to keep me moving forward.
Not Important Part
Oh, I also forget to mention that I got engaged this year on February 2020 with a man who turned out having the harder situation than mine. I met him before I know that my life's full of lies, and I thought why not to give a little help to him and share some love together to bring a little more happiness to this world. I believed I could handle that, besides, he's a very berry kind and a gentle kind of man. You know, someone that could be a great husband in the future.
(Lord forgive me), however it turned out that I couldn't really handle what I thought I could. Sometimes I feel like my glass are overflowed and I just can't get any more shits coming into my life. So, I guess, no wedding this year too. It's not a surprise anymore.
One rotten lies brought so much pain into life. I will never think myself as a victim of a circumstance, but I also can't stop thinking myself as a big failure. I guess, I'm not fine at all. I guess this stuck and stumble parts of my life paralyzed me.
The Poem
"I get stuck and I finally stumble.
I'm drowning inside,
but life only laugh at me,
with no mercy as it's always been.
So,
I just keep walking,
even if it's bleeding.
Sometimes, I just sleep all day,
because I'm getting too tired.
Sometimes, I cry along the way,
because it's too painful to walk.
Sometimes, I just get so angry,
because I can't see an end in sight.
But I can't stop walking at all,
or can I?"
